Californiaaaa, Californiaaaa, California!

Going home to California was exactly what I needed. In fact, it was more than what I needed. I actually had my mind occupied for an entire weekend. For the most part, nothing was brought up and it was like old times. Almost like high school or even winter vacation. I guess there's this part of me that really longs for some normalcy again. I want things to go back to how they were. I wish I could rewind a month back and keep everything from happening. I would have done things differently. The reality is...I can't go back. I can't change things. I need to stop beating myself up over things and start accepting what happened. Now, when I say accepting, I don't mean to say that what happened is okay. It means I start accepting that it happened, stop wishing it didn't and start dealing with the emotional baggage this has left me.

The most surprising thing about all of this is how I feel. I don't think I trust people any less (because you know how I am - I'm Miss Hopeless Romantic). I still care about people as much as I did before, if not more. This is kinda how my thought process works when this stuff goes on: something small reminds me of him, thinking about him makes me miss some of the aspects of the relationship, that yearning makes me think of what happened and I get anxiety ridden. I literally get to the point where I'm gasping for air. I don't exactly know what the anxiety is about. My guess would be the fact that, for once in my life, I was out of control. I hate being out of control and not having situations happen the way I want them to. Then again, who likes to not be in control?


I'm taking things slowly, day by day. That's all I really can do. There's this part of me that wants to give up with school and just move home. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. I feel like I have no control over my life and that feeling along sucks. I'm trying to find the desire to go to classes, to do homework, to do anything school related that involves work. It's hard though when my mind is occupied by more important things than the Ritual View of Communication for COM 101 or what essay topic I'm gonna choose for ENG 105. It's hard to make a purpose out of the things they're "teaching" us (more like blabbing about stuff that we will never use in real life). I'm trying though. I'm really trying. Usually homework and school is an outage for me. I burry myself in it so I don't think about things, but even that isn't helping.


I'm concerned that if I go home and decide not to come back to NAU I would be running away from my problems and not dealing with them. Small things remind me of him. Simple things like what way we would walk to his apartment or even the general area of his apartment gives me anxiety. I guess I'm not really sure where to go from here or even what to do. I just feel...stuck...in a rut and I want out. 

Day 02

Yesterday I decided, on a whim, that I needed to come home to California to be with my family. I left Flagstaff around 3pm, got into Phoenix around 6pm and my flight was at 8:50pm. My dad picked me up form the airport. We ended up going to Denny's for our favorite meal - buffalo chicken strips. On the way home we had a heart-to-heart talk about everything. Even though he wasn't saying he was upset and angry, I know he was. His anger wasn't geared towards me, but towards Ben. His anger is more than justified.

When I got home I was more than happy to see my doggies and my mom. My mom and I had a heart-to-heart as well. She held me for a long time as I cried. Trying to put into words how I feel is difficult, especially when I'm not sure how I even feel. Trying to make someone else understand what you don't is hard. I'm taking things day by day. I'm making sense of it as it happens.

My friend (who I mentioned in my first post), told me that I'm going to feel lost and confused. I'm going to feel like I've lost who I was (which is how I do feel at the moment) but things get easier day by day. As she said, I'm going to have to rediscover who I am.

I guess what bothers me the most is this - I'm so used to be the put together one. I'm used to being in control of things, of knowing where my life is going. I'm accustomed to having a plan and sticking to it. I'm so used to everyone coming to me for advice, for help, and now the roles have reversed. And it scares me.