Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oh, Grandma.

For those of you who don't know, my grandma died last month. Because she was cremated, they were able to push back the services until my Spring Break (this week). That's what I've been dealing with the past few days - mourning the loss of a very special woman.

Through the mist of losing someone who I regarded as my confidant, the person who I would call for advice, it makes dealing with my emotional baggage from the situation with Ben even harder. Normally I would call my grandma and ask her for advice. She would be the one person who's opinion I trusted more than anyone elses. Not only was she not apart of the situation and know everyone involved on a personal level, but she was able to give me the best advice, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. She told me what I needed to hear, especially to make decisions that would impact my future. It's really hard for me to deal with her death and the rape, plus school. I'm starting to think maybe I need a break from school. I don't mean dropping out this semester. I mean seeing how I feel through the summer and whatnot. I guess I keep asking myself what she would tell me. And I honestly don't know what she would advise me to do.

I guess all I can really do is try to make the best decision that's right for me, whatever that decision might be. On Monday I have a counseling appointment. We'll see how that goes. I'm honestly scared to talk to a professional about all of this. I don't want to be forced to report this, especially if I'm not ready to make that big of a step. I want baby steps, not gigantic leaps. If and when I'm ready and willing to do that, we'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it. In the mean time, I'm taking things one day at a time.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Goodbye to You

I'm getting ready to head to WI this morning. I have my iTunes on shuffle. The song Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch came on and it started stirring up a bunch of emotions within me. It reminded me of him. The song got me thinking about a lot of things - mostly how I was trying to obtain the PERFECT relationship (when we all know that doesn't exist). It basically talks about how she wants everything but nothing at the same time. She's basically having to rediscover herself after this breakup. 

I think in a lot of ways I can relate to the song, but in a different way. My heart still wants the relationship because I had someone and that beats being alone. On the other hand, my mind is telling me that that relationship is toxic. I did things different this time. I followed my heart and that did me no justice. Now I'm going back to how I've always done things - mind then heart. 

Today, I'm not sad about losing this relationship. I'm mourning it and something clicked in my head today - I need to stop thinking of this as me being weak. There is strength in admitting what happened and dealing with the emotions and the baggage that comes with it. There is nothing weak about that.

Once a victim, now a survivor.

That's the motto I'm now going to live by.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Strange Dream...

I woke up a little bit ago. I had the strangest dream. It was one of those dreams that feels so real that it scares you. Here's what happened:

Now, I don't know who the guy was, so I'll make that clear from the get go. I was engaged to a guy. I guess his mom didn't approve of me. She thought I would take her son away from the family, that she would never see him again. The dream fast forwards a bit to a house (it was my neighbors house from when I was little). In their hallway stood the mother, sobbing. She tried to run away but instead broke down and fell to her knees crying. I took a seat in front of her, along with the guy (mind you, the only part of the guy I could see throughout the entire dream was his pants and the bottom of his shirt; in the dream it was in the corner of my eye). I had to reassure her that I didn't want to divide the family but wanted to be apart of it. At first the mother was skeptical but finally accepted me as her future daughter-in-law. Then, suddenly, she pulled out all of this wedding planning stuff and told me to start picking things. I laughed as I rubbed the guys knee with my hand.

Then I woke up.

What the hell kind of dream is that? And what does it mean? I have no clue...it freaked me out a bit though so I had to share.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Damaged at Best

For English, we had an extra credit assignment. It was to recite a poem that's 14 lines or longer. I decided to write my own. Here it is:

Tattered and torn,
Beaten and broken,
Utterly damaged,
Completely silent,
Yet full of rage

Trust betrayed,
Honesty down the drain

Confused and unsure,
Restless and untamed

A night of pleasure,
A month of pain,
A life of regret

So much for me to say,
No words to convey

There Are Times That Test Your Faith

I heard that lyric in a song and it fits exactly how I'm feeling right now. At first I was struggling with things. I was having a hard time focusing in school. In general, I haven't had much motivation this semester. I don't know what it was, but something kicked me in the butt today and I'm suddenly motivated to do better in school, to get better grades, to work harder. I'm preparing for a COM 101 midterm and something about that is giving me desire to work hard. I think I had told myself there was no why I could pass the class so I gave up. I got a paper back today and I got a 78 on it. That made me happy (and I know, 78 is low for me, but when the majority of the class fails, I'm happy).

Anyways...this was a short note. Have to run and study!

Californiaaaa, Californiaaaa, California!

Going home to California was exactly what I needed. In fact, it was more than what I needed. I actually had my mind occupied for an entire weekend. For the most part, nothing was brought up and it was like old times. Almost like high school or even winter vacation. I guess there's this part of me that really longs for some normalcy again. I want things to go back to how they were. I wish I could rewind a month back and keep everything from happening. I would have done things differently. The reality is...I can't go back. I can't change things. I need to stop beating myself up over things and start accepting what happened. Now, when I say accepting, I don't mean to say that what happened is okay. It means I start accepting that it happened, stop wishing it didn't and start dealing with the emotional baggage this has left me.

The most surprising thing about all of this is how I feel. I don't think I trust people any less (because you know how I am - I'm Miss Hopeless Romantic). I still care about people as much as I did before, if not more. This is kinda how my thought process works when this stuff goes on: something small reminds me of him, thinking about him makes me miss some of the aspects of the relationship, that yearning makes me think of what happened and I get anxiety ridden. I literally get to the point where I'm gasping for air. I don't exactly know what the anxiety is about. My guess would be the fact that, for once in my life, I was out of control. I hate being out of control and not having situations happen the way I want them to. Then again, who likes to not be in control?

I'm taking things slowly, day by day. That's all I really can do. There's this part of me that wants to give up with school and just move home. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. I feel like I have no control over my life and that feeling along sucks. I'm trying to find the desire to go to classes, to do homework, to do anything school related that involves work. It's hard though when my mind is occupied by more important things than the Ritual View of Communication for COM 101 or what essay topic I'm gonna choose for ENG 105. It's hard to make a purpose out of the things they're "teaching" us (more like blabbing about stuff that we will never use in real life). I'm trying though. I'm really trying. Usually homework and school is an outage for me. I burry myself in it so I don't think about things, but even that isn't helping.

I'm concerned that if I go home and decide not to come back to NAU I would be running away from my problems and not dealing with them. Small things remind me of him. Simple things like what way we would walk to his apartment or even the general area of his apartment gives me anxiety. I guess I'm not really sure where to go from here or even what to do. I just feel...stuck...in a rut and I want out. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Day 03, 04 and Everything in Between

Okay. So I've decided I'm done numbering the days and everything on this blog. 1) It kind of confuses me; 2) I tend to write about my day the day after it happens so it's not really accurate; 3) The numbering of the days don't begin the day after the incident. They actually begin when I realized what had occurred. Anyways. I'm sidetracking myself here.

So here's how things are going...

My parents are a bit concerned that I'm going to want to drop out of school. I understand why they're concerned with that. I mean, it makes sense. Everything that happened, or at least the majority of it, took place in my dorm room. It's no longer my safe haven at school. And in some ways, it's like I'm trapped reliving the experience. That's the weird thing though...I don't constantly relive it. I think about it. I think about the after math of it but I don't actually think about the actual experience unless it's brought up. My mom wants to keep talking about it, even though I don't want to. I'm trying to move on, trying to deal with how I feel and it's like she wants to resurface those emotions so that I can overcome how I'm feeling.

In all reality, I'm not sure what I want to do. There's a part of me that wants to move home and go to school out here. It would get me out of everything that happened and I would be around family, friends and my dogs. The only problem with that is this - I would no longer be around my friends back at NAU. I wouldn't have that life I worked sooo hard to get. I would be turning my back on everything my parents and I worked for for YEARS. Doing that seems coward-like. It would be me running away from my problems. I wouldn't be dealing with anything but would instead be moving around to keep my mind busy and from thinking/dealing with the issue at hand...my feelings. Not only that but I would have to transfer somewhere but I would, more than likely, run into everyone from high school. I don't want a continuation of high school. I don't want the same cliques. That's why I moved away...to start new friendships, ect.

On the other hand, if I stay at NAU, I have to learn to cope with things using friends and resources in Flagstaff. I wouldn't have family and my dogs around to support me. Well, they'd be there to support me but I couldn't get things like hugs when I needed it. I would still have everything I worked for, plus I wouldn't have to transfer or figure out what I'm going to do for school, seeing as how I do want to get my degree.

I never realized how something like this could change my life, but it's starting to come to focus. One night, one minute in a situation like this can change you...forever. It's sad to say, but it's so true. Sometimes the smallest things are triggers. Hearing a Beatles song makes me think of him and I start thinking about all of the horrible things that went on in the relationship. I see or hear things that remind me of him and I start to get this strange feeling overcome me. It's like I miss him for a half a second and then anxiety takes over. I have to remind myself that 1) I deserve WAY better than he can give me; 2) I need to stop settling and telling myself I deserve whatever I can get; 3) He hurt me in the worst way possible. Why should I give him another chance?

I may not have all of the answers right now but I do know this - I'm definitely going to finish up the semester. I'm not going to drop out and quit during midterms. I can finish it up and deal with things, at least until Summer. As of right now I'm going to be going to NAU, I'm going to be getting back to life I've built there and will be continuing my education.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Day 02

Yesterday I decided, on a whim, that I needed to come home to California to be with my family. I left Flagstaff around 3pm, got into Phoenix around 6pm and my flight was at 8:50pm. My dad picked me up form the airport. We ended up going to Denny's for our favorite meal - buffalo chicken strips. On the way home we had a heart-to-heart talk about everything. Even though he wasn't saying he was upset and angry, I know he was. His anger wasn't geared towards me, but towards Ben. His anger is more than justified.

When I got home I was more than happy to see my doggies and my mom. My mom and I had a heart-to-heart as well. She held me for a long time as I cried. Trying to put into words how I feel is difficult, especially when I'm not sure how I even feel. Trying to make someone else understand what you don't is hard. I'm taking things day by day. I'm making sense of it as it happens.

My friend (who I mentioned in my first post), told me that I'm going to feel lost and confused. I'm going to feel like I've lost who I was (which is how I do feel at the moment) but things get easier day by day. As she said, I'm going to have to rediscover who I am.

I guess what bothers me the most is this - I'm so used to be the put together one. I'm used to being in control of things, of knowing where my life is going. I'm accustomed to having a plan and sticking to it. I'm so used to everyone coming to me for advice, for help, and now the roles have reversed. And it scares me.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Day 01

I've decided to start this blog for a number of reasons. The primary purpose is for me to find some healing through all of this pain. Right now I'm a ball of emotions. How I feel is hard to put into words. All I can really do is attempt to express how I feel. If you have a link to my blog, then I obviously trust you enough to have told you what happened. I also trust that this blog is something that stays between you and I because these are my personal thoughts and feelings that I'm sharing.

Yesterday I broke up with him. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be (then again I was chicken shit for doing it over texts but it had to be done). Last night I had a lot of mixed emotions. Telling my mom was by far the hardest part. I didn't want her to be disappointed or upset with me. I know she wouldn't but it was upsetting telling her. She reacted like any mother would. I spent the remainder of the night talking to friends. One friend in particular was helpful (I won't mention names because I wouldn't want someone mentioning my name). She helped me come to terms with my feelings, especially because she knows how I felt about everything. She's gone through it herself. I wish neither of us, or any other human being for that matter, had to experience what we did.

I keep replaying the night over and over in my head. I keep on asking myself what I did wrong, where things started turning south. I have to remind myself that things aren't my fault and I did nothing wrong. I've already started to block out parts of the night, if not most of it. I remember bits and pieces, like a flashback almost. What upsets me the most? I'm now a walking, living, breathing statistic. I'm still ashamed. I'm still unsure of where to go from here. All I know is that I have the support of friends and family and that's more than enough for me. I don't want people to pity me or even feel sorry for me. I want to rise above and help be part of the solution. I'm not a victim anymore. I'm a survivor.

I'm slowly moving away from being upset to becoming angry. I'm angry that I had to go through this. I'm angry that I wasn't listened to. I'm angry that I was completely out of control. And I have every right to be angry. Everyone keeps telling me to go to the police, to report this. I always told myself that if this ever happened to me, I would report it. I now understand why girls don't report these sorts of things. It's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It's down right degrading. I want it all to go away. Reporting it means there would be question, people trying to prosecute him, me having to testify. I don't want this to consume every bit of who I am. I want to move on with me life. I'm not going to act like it never happened, because it did. I was raped. I'm a victim who wants to become a survivor. I'm not going to let this consume me and my life. I'm going to push through and overcome.

Grandma, I know you're no longer with us, but you're looking down upon me. I wish I could call you one last time so I could ask for your advice, so I could ask you if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm going about things the way I should be. I wear your ring and keep you mind. Right now I'm looking to you to help me through this rough time in my life. I love you. You're what's keeping me going right now. You're what's helping me through this darkness.