Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oh, Grandma.

For those of you who don't know, my grandma died last month. Because she was cremated, they were able to push back the services until my Spring Break (this week). That's what I've been dealing with the past few days - mourning the loss of a very special woman.

Through the mist of losing someone who I regarded as my confidant, the person who I would call for advice, it makes dealing with my emotional baggage from the situation with Ben even harder. Normally I would call my grandma and ask her for advice. She would be the one person who's opinion I trusted more than anyone elses. Not only was she not apart of the situation and know everyone involved on a personal level, but she was able to give me the best advice, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. She told me what I needed to hear, especially to make decisions that would impact my future. It's really hard for me to deal with her death and the rape, plus school. I'm starting to think maybe I need a break from school. I don't mean dropping out this semester. I mean seeing how I feel through the summer and whatnot. I guess I keep asking myself what she would tell me. And I honestly don't know what she would advise me to do.

I guess all I can really do is try to make the best decision that's right for me, whatever that decision might be. On Monday I have a counseling appointment. We'll see how that goes. I'm honestly scared to talk to a professional about all of this. I don't want to be forced to report this, especially if I'm not ready to make that big of a step. I want baby steps, not gigantic leaps. If and when I'm ready and willing to do that, we'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it. In the mean time, I'm taking things one day at a time.

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