Thursday, March 3, 2011

Day 01

I've decided to start this blog for a number of reasons. The primary purpose is for me to find some healing through all of this pain. Right now I'm a ball of emotions. How I feel is hard to put into words. All I can really do is attempt to express how I feel. If you have a link to my blog, then I obviously trust you enough to have told you what happened. I also trust that this blog is something that stays between you and I because these are my personal thoughts and feelings that I'm sharing.

Yesterday I broke up with him. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be (then again I was chicken shit for doing it over texts but it had to be done). Last night I had a lot of mixed emotions. Telling my mom was by far the hardest part. I didn't want her to be disappointed or upset with me. I know she wouldn't but it was upsetting telling her. She reacted like any mother would. I spent the remainder of the night talking to friends. One friend in particular was helpful (I won't mention names because I wouldn't want someone mentioning my name). She helped me come to terms with my feelings, especially because she knows how I felt about everything. She's gone through it herself. I wish neither of us, or any other human being for that matter, had to experience what we did.

I keep replaying the night over and over in my head. I keep on asking myself what I did wrong, where things started turning south. I have to remind myself that things aren't my fault and I did nothing wrong. I've already started to block out parts of the night, if not most of it. I remember bits and pieces, like a flashback almost. What upsets me the most? I'm now a walking, living, breathing statistic. I'm still ashamed. I'm still unsure of where to go from here. All I know is that I have the support of friends and family and that's more than enough for me. I don't want people to pity me or even feel sorry for me. I want to rise above and help be part of the solution. I'm not a victim anymore. I'm a survivor.

I'm slowly moving away from being upset to becoming angry. I'm angry that I had to go through this. I'm angry that I wasn't listened to. I'm angry that I was completely out of control. And I have every right to be angry. Everyone keeps telling me to go to the police, to report this. I always told myself that if this ever happened to me, I would report it. I now understand why girls don't report these sorts of things. It's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It's down right degrading. I want it all to go away. Reporting it means there would be question, people trying to prosecute him, me having to testify. I don't want this to consume every bit of who I am. I want to move on with me life. I'm not going to act like it never happened, because it did. I was raped. I'm a victim who wants to become a survivor. I'm not going to let this consume me and my life. I'm going to push through and overcome.

Grandma, I know you're no longer with us, but you're looking down upon me. I wish I could call you one last time so I could ask for your advice, so I could ask you if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm going about things the way I should be. I wear your ring and keep you mind. Right now I'm looking to you to help me through this rough time in my life. I love you. You're what's keeping me going right now. You're what's helping me through this darkness.

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