Saturday, March 5, 2011

Day 03, 04 and Everything in Between

Okay. So I've decided I'm done numbering the days and everything on this blog. 1) It kind of confuses me; 2) I tend to write about my day the day after it happens so it's not really accurate; 3) The numbering of the days don't begin the day after the incident. They actually begin when I realized what had occurred. Anyways. I'm sidetracking myself here.

So here's how things are going...

My parents are a bit concerned that I'm going to want to drop out of school. I understand why they're concerned with that. I mean, it makes sense. Everything that happened, or at least the majority of it, took place in my dorm room. It's no longer my safe haven at school. And in some ways, it's like I'm trapped reliving the experience. That's the weird thing though...I don't constantly relive it. I think about it. I think about the after math of it but I don't actually think about the actual experience unless it's brought up. My mom wants to keep talking about it, even though I don't want to. I'm trying to move on, trying to deal with how I feel and it's like she wants to resurface those emotions so that I can overcome how I'm feeling.

In all reality, I'm not sure what I want to do. There's a part of me that wants to move home and go to school out here. It would get me out of everything that happened and I would be around family, friends and my dogs. The only problem with that is this - I would no longer be around my friends back at NAU. I wouldn't have that life I worked sooo hard to get. I would be turning my back on everything my parents and I worked for for YEARS. Doing that seems coward-like. It would be me running away from my problems. I wouldn't be dealing with anything but would instead be moving around to keep my mind busy and from thinking/dealing with the issue at feelings. Not only that but I would have to transfer somewhere but I would, more than likely, run into everyone from high school. I don't want a continuation of high school. I don't want the same cliques. That's why I moved start new friendships, ect.

On the other hand, if I stay at NAU, I have to learn to cope with things using friends and resources in Flagstaff. I wouldn't have family and my dogs around to support me. Well, they'd be there to support me but I couldn't get things like hugs when I needed it. I would still have everything I worked for, plus I wouldn't have to transfer or figure out what I'm going to do for school, seeing as how I do want to get my degree.

I never realized how something like this could change my life, but it's starting to come to focus. One night, one minute in a situation like this can change you...forever. It's sad to say, but it's so true. Sometimes the smallest things are triggers. Hearing a Beatles song makes me think of him and I start thinking about all of the horrible things that went on in the relationship. I see or hear things that remind me of him and I start to get this strange feeling overcome me. It's like I miss him for a half a second and then anxiety takes over. I have to remind myself that 1) I deserve WAY better than he can give me; 2) I need to stop settling and telling myself I deserve whatever I can get; 3) He hurt me in the worst way possible. Why should I give him another chance?

I may not have all of the answers right now but I do know this - I'm definitely going to finish up the semester. I'm not going to drop out and quit during midterms. I can finish it up and deal with things, at least until Summer. As of right now I'm going to be going to NAU, I'm going to be getting back to life I've built there and will be continuing my education.

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