Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Californiaaaa, Californiaaaa, California!

Going home to California was exactly what I needed. In fact, it was more than what I needed. I actually had my mind occupied for an entire weekend. For the most part, nothing was brought up and it was like old times. Almost like high school or even winter vacation. I guess there's this part of me that really longs for some normalcy again. I want things to go back to how they were. I wish I could rewind a month back and keep everything from happening. I would have done things differently. The reality is...I can't go back. I can't change things. I need to stop beating myself up over things and start accepting what happened. Now, when I say accepting, I don't mean to say that what happened is okay. It means I start accepting that it happened, stop wishing it didn't and start dealing with the emotional baggage this has left me.

The most surprising thing about all of this is how I feel. I don't think I trust people any less (because you know how I am - I'm Miss Hopeless Romantic). I still care about people as much as I did before, if not more. This is kinda how my thought process works when this stuff goes on: something small reminds me of him, thinking about him makes me miss some of the aspects of the relationship, that yearning makes me think of what happened and I get anxiety ridden. I literally get to the point where I'm gasping for air. I don't exactly know what the anxiety is about. My guess would be the fact that, for once in my life, I was out of control. I hate being out of control and not having situations happen the way I want them to. Then again, who likes to not be in control?

I'm taking things slowly, day by day. That's all I really can do. There's this part of me that wants to give up with school and just move home. I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. I feel like I have no control over my life and that feeling along sucks. I'm trying to find the desire to go to classes, to do homework, to do anything school related that involves work. It's hard though when my mind is occupied by more important things than the Ritual View of Communication for COM 101 or what essay topic I'm gonna choose for ENG 105. It's hard to make a purpose out of the things they're "teaching" us (more like blabbing about stuff that we will never use in real life). I'm trying though. I'm really trying. Usually homework and school is an outage for me. I burry myself in it so I don't think about things, but even that isn't helping.

I'm concerned that if I go home and decide not to come back to NAU I would be running away from my problems and not dealing with them. Small things remind me of him. Simple things like what way we would walk to his apartment or even the general area of his apartment gives me anxiety. I guess I'm not really sure where to go from here or even what to do. I just feel...stuck...in a rut and I want out. 

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