Yesterday I decided, on a whim, that I needed to come home to California to be with my family. I left Flagstaff around 3pm, got into Phoenix around 6pm and my flight was at 8:50pm. My dad picked me up form the airport. We ended up going to Denny's for our favorite meal - buffalo chicken strips. On the way home we had a heart-to-heart talk about everything. Even though he wasn't saying he was upset and angry, I know he was. His anger wasn't geared towards me, but towards Ben. His anger is more than justified.
When I got home I was more than happy to see my doggies and my mom. My mom and I had a heart-to-heart as well. She held me for a long time as I cried. Trying to put into words how I feel is difficult, especially when I'm not sure how I even feel. Trying to make someone else understand what you don't is hard. I'm taking things day by day. I'm making sense of it as it happens.
My friend (who I mentioned in my first post), told me that I'm going to feel lost and confused. I'm going to feel like I've lost who I was (which is how I do feel at the moment) but things get easier day by day. As she said, I'm going to have to rediscover who I am.
I guess what bothers me the most is this - I'm so used to be the put together one. I'm used to being in control of things, of knowing where my life is going. I'm accustomed to having a plan and sticking to it. I'm so used to everyone coming to me for advice, for help, and now the roles have reversed. And it scares me.